REBELmama

Domestic bliss and kid stress keep snuffing the flames of romance?
You’re not alone

Wild, unclipped nose hairs, underwear on the floor, five days worth of leg stubble and one of the kids is sick…again. Sound familiar? There’s something about domestic bliss that, as time passes, feels heavy on the domestic, light on the bliss.

It’s easy to tell when things start to head south on the home front. Tempers flare, little things take on exaggerated significance and communication consists of one big “you don’t listen to me!” or worse yet, is non-existent. Instead of looking longingly into each other’s eyes, you find yourself studying each other: When did she pick up that annoying hair-flicking thing? What’s that weird bump on the end of his nose? The cold hard slap of reality can quickly put a damper on even the Romeo and Juliet of love affairs.

Enter the children. As much of a gift and a marvel that they are (and they are the greatest little people) once that creature hits the house, life, as you know it, is over. Flexibility and freedom fly out the window. Sleep—forget it. From the constant needs of babies and toddlers to the endless activities and shuttling of older children, having any energy left for your partner is as rare as the brown speckled dodo bird.

I’m going to take a bit of a leap and say that for the most part, once a woman makes the transformation from woman to mother, she instinctively and contentedly puts the needs of her children above all else. As they say, “Pity the fool that comes between a woman and her cubs.” What this means for me is an occasional emotional slap from my husband to remind me that there is another relationship in the house that needs nurturing. Ours. So how does a couple stay connected and find any time alone in a world of domestic bliss? Persistence.

1. The Witching Hour
Fact is, children need a lot of sleep. Many sleep experts suggest that children (especially very young children) need at least 15 hours of sleep each day. So, put your children to bed by 7 or 8 pm and allow some alone time for the two of you. Set a “go to bed, stay in bed” house rule for all ages. Quality conversations can’t be squeezed in between interruptions from children and their stay-up-later stall tactics. They will get their much-needed rest and you will come to look forward to that break at the end of the day for talking, a game of Scrabble, or snuggling up with a movie. A great resource for implementing the sleep routine is Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, by Marc Weissbluth.

2. Mary Poppins
Find a sitter you trust (that’s important), and get out together. Doesn’t really matter what you do, or where you go, just go…alone. If you really want to stretch as a couple, start a list of what to do and see on those nights. (Pick something from this issue’s “second date” feature—that Guthrie kiss looks pretty good!) If you can’t afford a sitter, schedule a night when, as soon as the children hit the bed, you order in and rent a new release “On Demand.” I can guarantee, if you don’t schedule it, it won’t happen.

3. Text
Text messaging is a great way to stay connected. Even when you’re busy, you can check in with each other or send random love notes. It’s like whispering in each other’s ear, and that’s pretty intimate. You can even play a pretty spicy round of footsie.

4. Speaking of Footsie
Intimacy (yes, that) is the only thing that sets your relationship truly apart from every other relationship in your life. It’s how you bond, play and reconnect on a physical level. It’s important, no matter how tired or overwhelmed you are, so you need to schedule, finagle or whatever else has to happen to set aside the time and energy for each other.

4. Little Surprises
Surprises are underrated. All those cards, letters, flowers, and impromptu gifts during your courtship are appreciated so much more when life becomes more routine. If you hear him lamenting about his holey underpants, pick him up some new ones, along with that movie he’s been dying to see (the one you hitherto refused to watch). If she’s overwhelmed with work and/or kids…make the bed (without being asked) and leave a card on her pillow.

5. Extra Credit
These are for the overachievers…but they do work. Journal together (not at the same time) but communicate page by page in the same book. Make resolutions for yourself and the two of you. You can even throw in resolutions for each other. Things that you would like to see the other start, stop or change (be reasonable). End your day with “What did you like about today, what didn’t you like and what do you wish had happened that didn’t?” This is a great thing to start with your kids as well. Reflection is a lost art, and it can be pretty powerful if it’s staring you in the face.

Even the process of working together to find more time together is fuel for the fire. It puts you on the same page, reminds each of you how important you are to each other, and validates the commitment you made to each other what may seem like ages, a zillion diapers and many sleepless nights ago. A relationship is no different than anything else, if you don’t feed it, it dies. So, wrack your brain and get creative, who knows what you can come up with when you work together.